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Tuesday, 3 May 2011

Please Don't Give Up On Me....

Please Don't Give Up On Me...
t's nothing bad or terrifying, it's just something I'd never be able to say in person...

I don't know if any of you feel the same but you are my bestfriends, since you all came into my life I have never felt better, I've never had weeks of happiness, there have been days and then something else.
I've typed out this sentence three times now and deleted it everytime, I don't even know how to put it into words, I know this all sounds stupid but just take it in a little.
I don't know whats wrong with me, sometimes I'm happy bouncing off the walls other times I'm sad, angry I can't begin to describe to you how horrible the feeling is; all that you think in your head is that your alone, and you want to be alone, you feel like your drowning a pressure in your chest everythings heavy and you don't want to, you can't move.
You don't speak to anyone for days on end, unless you have to and even then its only to let them know that yes you are still there, no reason to worry.
Why am I telling you all this?
We had an amazing week the other week, and now to some of you it might feel like I'm giving you the cold shoulder, I'm not, I don't want to burden anyone with the way I feel, I don't want to drag you down. It's not just a case of smiling and shrugging it off, it's harder then that. If you don't understand thats fine or don't want to really bother with me anymore lol :) I Understand it's shit, I'm shit.

The reason I wanted to email you all is because I've never felt more apart of something then when I was with you guys, I want you to know that I still love you all the same as I did last week, I just don't want to ruin a mood. Yours I don't want to drag you down with me. I'm not ignoring you. I've ruined every single friendship along the way because thiis happens, I get close and then I go all cold, I get happy and then I get sad.

I know it sounds stupid and cliched but I wish with all my heart I could ask you guys 'not to give up on me just yet' I know that stupid and selfish and I don't want to be selfish. But yeah...

Sorry for the depressing email :/
I'm not very good at talking I'm a lot better at writing.

I wrote this to my friends, I'm trying to make them understand how I feel, I'm crying out for them to not give up on me just yet, to forgive my down days when I want to lock myself away and accept that I may not always be so chipper, I've never had people pay attention to me when I'm not around, these guys txt me when I'm not there though, they are there all the time, and when it's like that you can't escape, in a good way. So when I want to bury myself in the sand and escape forever it may seem to them like i'm ignoring them, but I'm not. 
Because I'm so used to hiding away from everyone, because I don't think I should burden other people with the way I feel, so I had to explain it the only way I knew how.
Was I selfish for doing this? Maybe, Was I wrong to do it? Maybe.
I don't know maybe some people could comment let me know what you think.....

Ugly Duckling Out xx

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