There's just something strangely poetic.....

There is something strangely poetic and magical about certain movies that I like, certain horrific movies I should say in fact to move even closer in I would say, something poetic about certain dark and extreamley disturbing characters.

Sweeney Todd is the perfect example of this, I love Sweeney Todd and while I love the music, the character and the ideas I think there is something strangely wonderful about his psychotic killings. I think about the way in which his mood shifts, from being so angry in the heat of the moment to so calm, I love that, I love the way he dances Mrs Lovett into the fire at the end so calmly and so compleatley, he kills people with an authority, with an intelligence, with a knowing that he is going to kill them while his victim remains completely unaware. It's 'villains' like Sweeney Todd that I love in films.
Hannibal is another good example of the cold and calculating, the way they show no emotion whatsoever as they kill there next victim. Maybe they do show emotion, but the fact that the emotions are so like reacting to an everyday occurance we label them in that bracket of no emotion.

These sorts of villains I find not only the most attractive but the most intriguing, a killer who cares to much maybe rather then not enough. With killers like these the attacks are thought out are for a purpose trying to lighten some burden, they seem to be of a higher, possibly better class then those who merely slash there way through a series of teenagers for fun. As Jason or Mr Myers slash and murder their way through a house full of teenagers they do not stop to savor the blood, their knives are not so much artists brushes like Hannibals scapel or Todd's razors but they are mere clubs.

I For one would always prefer a villain like Todd or Hannibal to a 'scream-esque villaiin' or Mr Myers. Yet then I think if all villains were like this would it not get boring? Would I then not crave to see primal instincts in frenzied attacks of pure and simple violence? No I don't think I would that's the stuff of Zombie films and I won't delve into my fear of that at this moment in time or the million reasons I hate those films.

Ugly Duckling Out
xxx

Dream life away....

Dreaming is so lovely especially when they are good dreams.
I always feel guilty when I have an amazing dream about people I quite fancy. For example the other day or rather night I had a rather interesting dream about one henrick Hanssen, not Guy henry who plays him no Henrick Hanssen the character, CEO at Holby city whose looming prescence, would not look out of place in a dracula novel. He's perfect for me, tall, dark and handsome, he's intelligent and very witty and has an air of darkness about him.
Anyway back to my dream, it was an indiana jones esque temple, I would almost say aztech, dark blues in a cave with a waterfall gushing down the front. We had just escaped a vicious gang on motorbikes, who for some reason decided to attack a hospital and hold people hostage. Henrick and I hid as they came looking for us. They eventually go back up to the hospital and we decide we have to save everyone else. For some reasons unbeknowst to me this cave is underneath the hospital and just happens to have somethings we can use as weapons metal poles and the likes.
As we fight off two of the motorcycle gang who have appeared in the cave, Henrick steps in and saves me from one of them......then...........
A Movie style kiss ensued that I must say when I awoke certainly had me trying to get back to sleep.
I love dreams like this but I always feel quite guilty on my boyfriend, like i'm dream cheating. What makes the guilt worse is that I enjoy dreaming so much.
When you get the really good dreams even if they're just adventure dreams not an ounce of romance I still get this sense of guilt because I'd rather carry on dreaming than come into reality.
At the same time though I think i shouldn't feel guilty, good dreams are like a special treat for someone like me with an overactive imagination, vivid amazing dreams often come along maybe once in a while to enjoy and indulge in rather like a good pizza, you can't eat it everyday but when you get it on the off chance you damn well enjoy it. :)
I dream almost every night it's just most nights they're pretty boring and about something trivial like a ghost in the house, or solving murders or nicking a car to escape some huge disaster, or frequently I get little romance ones but nothing to really stand out. :]

Daydreaming is also another one of my little indulgences, I love when I'm sat on the train or the bus and I just drift off into a daydream, even if it means I miss my next stop.

Anyway I'm going to stop rambling on about dreams and day dreaming now and get down to some real university work. :)

Ugly Duckling Out

Put On A Happy Face....

I wonder when i'll stop feeling this seperation from the world, it's like theres me in a bubble and the rest of the world outside can't hear me or see me. There is nothing more powerful than that feeling of loneliness, it's not even that I feel truly alone I have ways and means of coping alone I have done for years and years, but coping methods can't take you out for a drink and a dance, coping methods aren't real people to cuddle you when you cry to hold you and listen to share all those inside jokes and laugh with.
I often wonder if it will ever stop, I've been doing a lot of thinking recently and one of my thoughts was that is one of the main reasons I wanted to get into film directing, to be a part of some kind of ill constructed friendship group for a period of time, while I have a passion inside me to tell stories to help people, to create amazing worlds. I also want to be within a group like that, I think maybe that's why I decided to go back to uni not just for a degree but because I once tasted a 'Harry, Ron and Hermione' friendship as I'd call it. It now seems that the taste has lingered almost bitter sweet.

Maybe the reason I love my job is not just because I get to make these people happy, but I get to feel a part of it. I work together in a team, once a week, a group of people come together to work as a team, I get to laugh, to feel, to be hugged and held, not in an I love you sense; in the sense of friendship.

Boyfriends are well and good, I love him I really do; he's a bestfriend in a sense, he knows me, every bit (mostly) yet, same time he's not someone to go out and dance with to pink and katy perry. He's the one I meet at the end of the night who drunkenly dances with me and I know i'm going home with. It's just not the same connection, not like the connection between two best friends.

Fate is cruel, it allows us these tastes, of freedom, of love, of friendship, of loyalty and indeed of hope and then it snatches them away and says look at what you once had; it doesn't matter who you are or how you live your past shapes you, it makes you decide who to trust and who not to.

But I suppose in retrospect will any of this really matter; my feelings only matter to one person me, because no one else can really feel what I'm feeling. Even if you pinch yourself then pinch someone else with the exact same force the pain may not feel the same. Thats why you put on a happy face. Because very rarely do we find someone that truly cares about how you feel. I think that's what I miss most, just being able to talk.



Sorry this was a rather rambly, crappy, wierd post but I had to get it out of my system so there we go. :)