Please Don't Give Up On Me....

Please Don't Give Up On Me...

t's nothing bad or terrifying, it's just something I'd never be able to say in person...

I don't know if any of you feel the same but you are my bestfriends, since you all came into my life I have never felt better, I've never had weeks of happiness, there have been days and then something else.
I've typed out this sentence three times now and deleted it everytime, I don't even know how to put it into words, I know this all sounds stupid but just take it in a little.
I don't know whats wrong with me, sometimes I'm happy bouncing off the walls other times I'm sad, angry I can't begin to describe to you how horrible the feeling is; all that you think in your head is that your alone, and you want to be alone, you feel like your drowning a pressure in your chest everythings heavy and you don't want to, you can't move.
You don't speak to anyone for days on end, unless you have to and even then its only to let them know that yes you are still there, no reason to worry.
Why am I telling you all this?
We had an amazing week the other week, and now to some of you it might feel like I'm giving you the cold shoulder, I'm not, I don't want to burden anyone with the way I feel, I don't want to drag you down. It's not just a case of smiling and shrugging it off, it's harder then that. If you don't understand thats fine or don't want to really bother with me anymore lol :) I Understand it's shit, I'm shit.

The reason I wanted to email you all is because I've never felt more apart of something then when I was with you guys, I want you to know that I still love you all the same as I did last week, I just don't want to ruin a mood. Yours I don't want to drag you down with me. I'm not ignoring you. I've ruined every single friendship along the way because thiis happens, I get close and then I go all cold, I get happy and then I get sad.

I know it sounds stupid and cliched but I wish with all my heart I could ask you guys 'not to give up on me just yet' I know that stupid and selfish and I don't want to be selfish. But yeah...

Sorry for the depressing email :/
I'm not very good at talking I'm a lot better at writing.

I wrote this to my friends, I'm trying to make them understand how I feel, I'm crying out for them to not give up on me just yet, to forgive my down days when I want to lock myself away and accept that I may not always be so chipper, I've never had people pay attention to me when I'm not around, these guys txt me when I'm not there though, they are there all the time, and when it's like that you can't escape, in a good way. So when I want to bury myself in the sand and escape forever it may seem to them like i'm ignoring them, but I'm not. 

Because I'm so used to hiding away from everyone, because I don't think I should burden other people with the way I feel, so I had to explain it the only way I knew how.
Was I selfish for doing this? Maybe, Was I wrong to do it? Maybe.
I don't know maybe some people could comment let me know what you think.....

Ugly Duckling Out xx

Just one of those days....

I talk openly a lot about the mood swings I tend to suffer. The flying high sensations of the ups and the earth shattering lows of the downs.

Today my bubble has been popped; Everyday for the last week I've been feeling happier, I've found some amazing friends for the first time in a long time, I've been going out, got millions of plans. I've never felt better about my work and the work that I've been doing. And now....

Now I feel nothing; thats wrong I do feel, I feel like my world is crumbling around me, I want to cry but the tears won't form because crying is weak isn't it? No instead of crying I want to destroy and hurt, I want to feel to have some thrill.
I want to go out for a walk into the woods right now, I can see it, I can see walking up the road and down the path into the woods, I can feel the pain in my chest the thrill of being so alone, anything could happen.
I want a drink a strong one, I don't drink hardly ever, I hardly ever go out but now all I want to do is get so drunk I can't think or feel anything something to make me forget this feeling.

The best way to describe it is that of a stone, imagine a life bouy rising up through the depths of water for days and days and then it floats there on the top until someone attatches a stone and it sinks, it feels like something is pulling you under, every muscle in your body feels like it's  trying to hard, your chest feels like it's working to hard. This is just the start though more often then not it will progress onto what I like to call the Hannibal Lecter Phase, the reason I gave it this name was because it's the best way to describe, the calm aritstocratic angry way in which Lecter commits his crimes is the same anger that will brim inside me, it feels like your a highly intelligent being, like every little move you make is calculated just to confuddle your enemy. To make them see how indifferent you are to how much they scream and shout.

It's odd it comes in waves either a calm angry, or a desperatley drowning depression. Any smile that is seen across my face feels like it takes to much effort to make, especially fake.
I don't know what led me down into this darkened room, I don't know what will pull me out, it could last a few hours or a few days.
I just know that right now I can't see past the end of my own nose, let alone what I will do in 20 minutes times, the waiting and the wondering don't help, writing bores me right now, writing reading even watching TV is to much effort.

Ugly Duckling Out xx

"I Want Bi Polar Disorder" Article and some thoughts......

I don't know whether I mentioned on here or not but last week, last friday to be exact, after years of going to the Doctors and trying to tell them I thought their was something wrong with me they packed me off to the Psychiatrist.
After being asked lots of questions by them, they've told me to keep a mood diary and they gave me some hints and tips which I don't remember. They've told me to do this because they think it's a possibility I could have it. While I'm releived though, I'm also rather apprehensive.
I decided to do some research on how to keep a mood chart today, and came across this article....

http://www.acutecareprogramme.org.uk/silo/files/i-want-to-be-bipolar.pdf

Now I don't understand why anyone would want a mental illness, it's not nice. What worries me though is could my Doctors see me as one of these people?

A Glorious trip To The Park.......

So after I finished work today me and two of my friends ventured to the park.

Ok so the park didn't look like this, but you get the idea. My friend brought her little girl to and she was so cute. Shes a proper little cheeky monkey, a real cute kid.
For all the moaning I did the other day about parents and kids I really enjoyed being with them though, shes a normal kid but shes really cute and just fun lol. I enjoy entertaining her to.
Anyway we got some drinks and sweets and sat on the park for an hour and a half got some good pictures and a good video of my friend running around quoting East is East.
The one thing that was missing though was one of my other friends were like a four piece jigsaw me and I would call them my best friends, so it really feels a bit wierd when one of them isn't their. I don't know how they feel about it, maybe they are fine without me there it probably doesn't really matter to them but to me it does.
Anyway we had fun and then I came home to my lovely boyfriend who bought me and him tickets to Frankenstein at the corner house, it's a live streaming of the Danny Boyle version from the national theatre so I'm rather excited about that :) <3

Some Parents Need to Realise Not Everyone Likes Kids.........

Ok so I work in a kids shop, meaning I should love kids right? NO You couldn't be more wrong and their is nothing worse for me then pushy parents out in a park who insist everyone must love their kids, therefore their kids even when kicking a ball at someone are doing nothing wrong.

Most People Have Best Friends......

I've given up on the challenge I can't keep up with it at all. Anyway back to the blog at hand.

Most People have a best friend, at least one, someone who knows them inside out. My mother has four, my brother has a few, my boyfriend, people I went to college with, people at uni, people at work. Everyone seems to have a bestfriend with the exception of me. Bit over dramatic, I'm sure there are people outthere who don't have best friends. Everyone I know seems to have at least one though.
Boyfriends aren't the same as bestfriends. I always seem to drift though I make friends but they never seem to stick. Like I'm that awkward puzzle piece that just floats over all the others and trys to fit with others.
I always thought this was a bad thing and then I realised I had something better, something that would and never could hurt me.
While most people have best friends, I have Harry Potter and Diagnosis Murder. This is not to say that I'm crazy, let me explain...
I don't remember the first time I watched Diagnosis Murder but I remeber vividly when I was at school. I used to set my video recorder every day for 3 years maybe. 2:15 on the dot and the recorder would do it's thing taping my precious programme, because, it was mine. Thats what I told myself anywho.
I can remember the way it felt, I would get home but I would never truly feel home until I sat down in front of that, It's strange, it was like a wave crashed over me and suddenly I was like a ghost, a mute who was a part of this wonderful world but at the same time I never truly was. I'm not crazy, I never used to imagine them talking to me or anything. It was just a sense of belonging a sense of wonderment and magic at it.
Potter was like this for me to, in particular Prisoner Of Azkaban, I only had to open the book and this wave crashed over we, this wave of feeling like I belonged somewhere. It was amazing.
On this feeling alone I got through anything and everything in my life, anytime I felt sad insecure, down upset, angry. I didn't need anyone to hug me, to comfort me to talk to.
I just used to open these books or watch this programme and everything would fade into oblivion. I imagine the rush could be compared to what an addict feels, because I did become addicted to them.
So while most people had best friends I had these. I never needed anyhting more or less. It would be nice to have some best friends, I wished I had a set up like Mark Amanda Jesse and Steve or like Harry Ron and Hermione or the Marauders before them but I don't. Maybe that will come later in life. The only thing I can do is Keep on living.

Ugly Duckling Out xx