Put On A Happy Face....

I wonder when i'll stop feeling this seperation from the world, it's like theres me in a bubble and the rest of the world outside can't hear me or see me. There is nothing more powerful than that feeling of loneliness, it's not even that I feel truly alone I have ways and means of coping alone I have done for years and years, but coping methods can't take you out for a drink and a dance, coping methods aren't real people to cuddle you when you cry to hold you and listen to share all those inside jokes and laugh with.
I often wonder if it will ever stop, I've been doing a lot of thinking recently and one of my thoughts was that is one of the main reasons I wanted to get into film directing, to be a part of some kind of ill constructed friendship group for a period of time, while I have a passion inside me to tell stories to help people, to create amazing worlds. I also want to be within a group like that, I think maybe that's why I decided to go back to uni not just for a degree but because I once tasted a 'Harry, Ron and Hermione' friendship as I'd call it. It now seems that the taste has lingered almost bitter sweet.

Maybe the reason I love my job is not just because I get to make these people happy, but I get to feel a part of it. I work together in a team, once a week, a group of people come together to work as a team, I get to laugh, to feel, to be hugged and held, not in an I love you sense; in the sense of friendship.

Boyfriends are well and good, I love him I really do; he's a bestfriend in a sense, he knows me, every bit (mostly) yet, same time he's not someone to go out and dance with to pink and katy perry. He's the one I meet at the end of the night who drunkenly dances with me and I know i'm going home with. It's just not the same connection, not like the connection between two best friends.

Fate is cruel, it allows us these tastes, of freedom, of love, of friendship, of loyalty and indeed of hope and then it snatches them away and says look at what you once had; it doesn't matter who you are or how you live your past shapes you, it makes you decide who to trust and who not to.

But I suppose in retrospect will any of this really matter; my feelings only matter to one person me, because no one else can really feel what I'm feeling. Even if you pinch yourself then pinch someone else with the exact same force the pain may not feel the same. Thats why you put on a happy face. Because very rarely do we find someone that truly cares about how you feel. I think that's what I miss most, just being able to talk.



Sorry this was a rather rambly, crappy, wierd post but I had to get it out of my system so there we go. :)