...And The Dreams That You Dare To Dream Really Do Come True'
What do you dream of? Would you love to be a singer? A dancer? Do you just want to be famous? Would you love to be an astronaut? Or a famous scientist like Brian Cox?
By these dreams I mean the ones that you can never see coming to fruition.
For me it's simple I wish I could be an actress. Not for fame or money. I'd just love to be out there on stage playing different characters, being able to dress up and immerse yourself in another world. Theatre is diferent to film, film you have to stop every so often and it only comes to fruition after editing and cutting everything together. With theatre you have to go out and play the story from start to finish for 3 hours you become a princess in search of a prince, a fairy, a lover, a singer. Anything.
There are several problems with this dream; I wouldn't even mind appearing in community theatre but I simply can't.
It's not that I can't imagine myself as characters, in fact I'm really quite brilliant at that. No the problem becomes apparent when I am faced with a crowd of any sort as soon as that spotlight is shone upon me, I clam up, my voice becomes cracked and high, I start to shake like a terrified child and suddenly I've forgotten how to do everything.
No matter how much I try to psych myself up before hand it always results in the same silent, sweaty palmed individual standing there looking stupid.
Up until I was at college I was pretty ok with the theatre; I used to love dressing up and playing different roles. Especially inventing the plays ourselves. I thought I always did quite well and then I can remember it changing. I volunteered for the christmas cabaret at college. I volunteered to sing. Volunteering to sing was a massive deal it was the one thing I could do ok privatley but became all horrible when in front of people. I auditioned to sing I'm Not That Girl from wicked.
I'm not that girl is the song Elphaba Sings when declaring herself nothing like Glinda, I had a friend who was the Glinda; the pretty pink and perfect girl while I was the little green oddball who people avoided. The song was therefore quite personal to me, they allowwed me to sing though. Then something happened I pulled out, I offered to be the compere instead, I offered to introduce all the acts which they allowwed me.
Then when the night came I couldn't focus on what was coming up next my palms sweated so much that I couldn't read the cue cards which were rapidly falling to pieces in my hand as a man two rows back looked at me with a face of such content and dissappointment that I wanted to cry.
I never went near a stage after that, I just about made it through my drama AS and that's where I left it, I chose Psychology over my beloved Drama and I never looked back, I never attempted to act again ever.
Then in the first semester at university we were being asked to stand and give a presentation. I have never been more frightened in my life. I'm a rather confident person overall, I don't mind voicing my views or being a little out there with my clothing, I'm quite the entertainer in social situations. This though this had me stumped and when the day of the presentation came I didn't look one of my classmates or lecturers in the eye I read from a page, head down or focused on the board knowing if I took one glance up I would falter and have to run from the room.
So now here I sit; I don't want fame or fortune; I'd just like to do something I love again. I love films and I'd love to do some directing and writing but as much as I love that and indeed my course at university, I'd also love to get back into performing. How then do I overcome this stagefright? This unbelievable lack of confidence in something I love?
The answer is I'm not sure....
Maybe only time will tell, maybe the internet has the answer, maybe someone else does. Maybe we'll have to wait and see...
Ugly Duckling Out xx
What do you dream of? Would you love to be a singer? A dancer? Do you just want to be famous? Would you love to be an astronaut? Or a famous scientist like Brian Cox?
By these dreams I mean the ones that you can never see coming to fruition.
For me it's simple I wish I could be an actress. Not for fame or money. I'd just love to be out there on stage playing different characters, being able to dress up and immerse yourself in another world. Theatre is diferent to film, film you have to stop every so often and it only comes to fruition after editing and cutting everything together. With theatre you have to go out and play the story from start to finish for 3 hours you become a princess in search of a prince, a fairy, a lover, a singer. Anything.
There are several problems with this dream; I wouldn't even mind appearing in community theatre but I simply can't.
It's not that I can't imagine myself as characters, in fact I'm really quite brilliant at that. No the problem becomes apparent when I am faced with a crowd of any sort as soon as that spotlight is shone upon me, I clam up, my voice becomes cracked and high, I start to shake like a terrified child and suddenly I've forgotten how to do everything.
No matter how much I try to psych myself up before hand it always results in the same silent, sweaty palmed individual standing there looking stupid.
Up until I was at college I was pretty ok with the theatre; I used to love dressing up and playing different roles. Especially inventing the plays ourselves. I thought I always did quite well and then I can remember it changing. I volunteered for the christmas cabaret at college. I volunteered to sing. Volunteering to sing was a massive deal it was the one thing I could do ok privatley but became all horrible when in front of people. I auditioned to sing I'm Not That Girl from wicked.
I'm not that girl is the song Elphaba Sings when declaring herself nothing like Glinda, I had a friend who was the Glinda; the pretty pink and perfect girl while I was the little green oddball who people avoided. The song was therefore quite personal to me, they allowwed me to sing though. Then something happened I pulled out, I offered to be the compere instead, I offered to introduce all the acts which they allowwed me.
Then when the night came I couldn't focus on what was coming up next my palms sweated so much that I couldn't read the cue cards which were rapidly falling to pieces in my hand as a man two rows back looked at me with a face of such content and dissappointment that I wanted to cry.
I never went near a stage after that, I just about made it through my drama AS and that's where I left it, I chose Psychology over my beloved Drama and I never looked back, I never attempted to act again ever.
Then in the first semester at university we were being asked to stand and give a presentation. I have never been more frightened in my life. I'm a rather confident person overall, I don't mind voicing my views or being a little out there with my clothing, I'm quite the entertainer in social situations. This though this had me stumped and when the day of the presentation came I didn't look one of my classmates or lecturers in the eye I read from a page, head down or focused on the board knowing if I took one glance up I would falter and have to run from the room.
So now here I sit; I don't want fame or fortune; I'd just like to do something I love again. I love films and I'd love to do some directing and writing but as much as I love that and indeed my course at university, I'd also love to get back into performing. How then do I overcome this stagefright? This unbelievable lack of confidence in something I love?
The answer is I'm not sure....
Maybe only time will tell, maybe the internet has the answer, maybe someone else does. Maybe we'll have to wait and see...
Ugly Duckling Out xx
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